What does it take to be an expat? And in particular an expat woman? In the past 7 years of my expat life I have come across many different definitions of who I was and what I was doing: international woman, expat woman, expat spouse, trailing spouse.
The first one international woman sounds quite neutral. To me it simply means a woman who has an international life or career. It could also mean that you live in your home country but travel for your work abroad for example.
The next one sounds already a bit more exotic: an expat woman. A few years ago when I moved to the Netherlands I did not considered myself being an expat woman. Although I was living and working abroad, I did have a 'local' husband and friends. I did not participate in the social international community either. After a couple of years this changed, as my husband got a project in Mexico City and we decided to move with the whole family there. And there it happened, my label of 'international woman' was replaced by a new one 'expat spouse'. When browsing on the Internet I came across the distinction in the definition of the two. The distinction being whether you have your own career or not. So there I was suddenly 'downgraded' from a woman to a spouse. As a decent 'expat spouse' I had of course a cook, a nanny, a housekeeper and even a driver. All the attributes of an expat spouse! I was enjoying all social gatherings there were to enjoy: mornings for mothers and kids, knitting afternoons with local women, drinks with the 'Dutchies', lunches with other expat spouses, book clubs, yoga lessons. You name it, I have been there and have done it. Life was fun! So when did I turn into a 'trailing spouse' than? And who has ever invented such a name! A trailing spouse sounds very passive to me. It sounds like you really do not choose for a life of your own but that you simply have to follow your husband and his career, whether you like it or not.
It even sounds like there is a resistance, to be on a trail means that you are being pulled by someone else.
You do not take part in making a decision, you do not have your own will, you are just being pulled by your husband. To even make it worse you are not even a woman but you turned into a spouse. All your other roles such as being a mother, daughter, sister, friend, or colleague have been swiped away. How unfair is that? It is true that some of us do decide to put their own career on hold in order to support the career of their husband, but that does not mean we are deprived of all other attributes of being a woman, simply because we decide not to work for sometime! It is most of the time a woman who is in charge of building again a new nest for the whole family, starting a new social life, making sure kids feel safe and secure in their new environment. Furthermore, you have a life of your own to re-start with making new friends, deciding to find a new job or starting a entirely new career or study. It sounds to me like so much more than just being a spouse. Most of us give of course support to their hard working partners but that is one of our roles and not the only one.
Do not let yourself be locked (by yourself or others) in one of the drawers labeled 'trailing spouse'. As an exercise you can write down your name in the middle of the sheet of paper. Then write down on the same sheet of paper, around your name all your roles that you fulfil at the moment. Circle them and draw a line from your name to the role. See now how many important roles you are having.
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About the author:
My name is Dorota Klop-Sowinska and I am an expat coach / counselor. During the past seven years I have experienced and enjoyed an expat life from all possible angles. I was a women with a busy international career living in the Netherlands with my Dutch husband. I was a mother experiencing the motherhood in the Netherlands when my daughter was born. I was an expat wife enjoying life in Mexico, where I have followed my husband's career. I was an expat woman starting my own career in Brazil (and supporting the career of my husband). Now I am an entrepreneur who is running her business in the Netherlands. Thanks to all those roles I can easily connect and fully understand women who are living abroad for various reasons or going through big changes in their lives. I have been there, I have seen it, I have done it!
I am the owner of DoSo! Coaching & Counseling http://www.dosocoaching.com which focuses on international women living abroad. I coach them in order for the to have successful & fulfilled life abroad both professionally & privately.
More on http://www.dosocoaching.com
The following is a powerful story that was shared by Reverend Michael Beckwith, founder of Agape International.
A particular student in the class always took the stance of challenging things that were being shared in the class regardless of what was being said. This student had a difficult time being in a peaceful place. Before he arrived to class one day, the other students expressed their frustration and concern to Reverend Beckwith asking if he would do something about the student's behavior when he came into the classroom.
Instead of agreeing with them he said, "He's going to be a better minister than all of you anyway." Needless to say, they didn't particularly like hearing this and argued with him for a bit until he pointed out how they are all in this student's energy not only when he walks into the room, but even when he's not in the room." Reverend Beckwith went on to say, "He sweeps you up into his energy and you're not strong enough to stand in your own energy. He's stronger than you are."
He suggested that they simply think about what the student is saying the next time he speaks and embrace it with love, joy and peace, and radiate that back out to him. They agreed to do this and when the gentleman came into the room he started his usual challenging behavior. They all just listened from a place of interest without needing to argue back. They just allowed him to have his say and he ended up getting so upset when no one would argue with him, that he ran out of the classroom.
A few minutes later he returned and began to cry. Reverend Beckwith shared in the sermon, "He was brought up with a lot of abuse in his life, and was very comfortable with conflict and people not liking him. He could come into a room and immediately create home for himself."
To him, home meant conflict.
This story touched me deeply because I have worked with many clients over the years who felt the need to always argue various points I would share with them during our sessions. Understanding that this was coming from a place they were not even aware of yet, I simply held the space for them to be as they were until they felt safe to do something different. Eventually, they came to realize how they've been holding themselves back because they needed to argue for their limitations and stay close to home since it was where they were most comfortable. What transpired from their awareness was the ability to develop unconditional love for themselves and to put down the baggage they were holding onto so tightly, freeing themselves from a lifetime of burden.
Perhaps you know people in your life who are prepared for battle and challenge everything you say only to find yourself participating in their battle and kicking yourself afterwards for doing so. I invite you to lay down your sword and consider that there's more to their battle than you know. Open yourself up to allow them to have their say without needing to defend or convince or prove otherwise. Don't get pulled into their energy. Have enough faith in your own truth that you can maintain it, even when being challenged, and still honor another's position.
If after reading this, you recognize you're the one who often challenges everything others are saying, then take a moment to look into your past and see where that might have been taught to you. What are you protecting yourself from by being prepared for battle? What are you most afraid of by not being prepared for battle? What would happen if you felt a deep resonance with something someone said and made the choice to agree with it and not run from it?
Again, I encourage you to lay down your sword, as well and consider the questions I've asked. Allow for the possibility of inviting peace into your life and having a direct experience with that peaceful state and free yourself from the need for inner and outer battle.
With Blessings,
Linda
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Linda Salazar is an in-demand speaker, scientific hand reading analyst, Certified Life Coach, and author primarily helping women stand up for themselves, speak their truth and who are in midlife facing a spiritual or life changing crisis.
As the founder of Awaken The Genie WithinA? Coaching, Linda helps clients divine a deeper wisdom with exercises and a method of scientific hand reading analysis that awakens their internal genies to embrace their positive traits, while subduing their inner gremlins which stop them from all they can achieve.
A few short years ago, for many people, the word 'essentials' may have meant a luxury home filled with designer gear and high-tech toys to go with expensive facials and spiritual indulgence.
Advertisers told us we deserved it and we were worth it. With more than a little encouragement from so called self-help gurus, we were also led to believe that we could have it all - just by thinking about it.
Fast forward to now and we're all paying for it. The ongoing global recession has caused many of us to take a long, hard look at our lives and focus on the true essentials in life.
Gone are the unrealistic expectations that we can all be pretty, rich and famous.
Gone too, are the personal development posers who had jumped on the bandwagon of an economic boom to con gullible people out of their money for what was basically giving common sense advice.
The credit crunch seems to have squeezed the life out of the self-help industry and I, for one, think this is a good thing. Being an avid reader and owner of dozens of personal development manuals, I'd become increasingly bewildered by the wordy, confusing and pseudo-scientific claptrap that was becoming the norm.
Having spent a considerable amount of money, and reading energy, on various self improvement books, to the point that my head was cluttered with psycho-babble jargon, I came to realise that this self help overload was actually preventing me from experiencing the changes I needed.
When I was faced with what appeared to be an impossible situation, or emotional challenge, I would instinctively reach for a self help manual, seeking help and guidance. The sad fact is that more often than not these personal development products and their pompous, pious and patronising tones and conflicting messages left me feeling cold, confused and certainly none the wiser.
Overall, I believe that the self-help industry is generally well-intentioned, but it is open to exploitation by unscrupulous people. I've also come to believe that these pseudo-psychological methodologies can actually prevent people from achieving their goals.
The simple truth about self-help is that the 'the answer lies within'. We all have the power to change our lives with a little guidance. I believe if we all stopped looking for complicated, impressive-sounding solutions to everyday problems, in favour of commonsense solutions and simple answers, we'd all be much happier.
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Faybird33 produces quirky, thoughtful art that reflects the human condition, especially the themes of self-help, sex, men and society. Her graphic art book, and the Moral of the Story is, uses a scarf wearing frog to illustrate how innovative thinking and perseverance can help anyone overcome life's challenges. For more information, visit http://www.faybird33.com.
How to improve oneself?
Well, it could be as simple as reading this self-improvement article, but I seriously doubt it.
It could be as simple as listening (and watching) how others do it, but you know better than just to rely on the actions of others don't you.
Or it could be taking right action, relentlessly so...
Or it could be a combination of all of the above, taking right actions as guided to do so by those who have done similarly, but always remembering to rely on your judgment.
This article will attempt to prove the case for the last option - taking the right sorts of actions, right for you that is. And I include 3 self-improvement quotes to help make that case...
Self-Improvement Quote #1:
"People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy."
-- Oliver Goldsmith
Learning from others is pretty much how we learn to do most things as a child, I'm sure you'll agree. And when we become a teenager the influence of our peers is not far away. And then adulthood hits us, and we know all we need to know to do life 'our way'.
Except we don't. What we really know is that some parts of 'life' come easier for us than others; that maintaining successful relationships can be frustrating; and that the 'life skills' class seems to a never-ending one whose lessons get harder and harder.
Truth is, we can bumble along in life, blaming others for our failures and taking sole praise for our successes, or we can realise that it is ALWAYS useful to find a mentor or two to model ourselves on.
The mentor could be a family member or a friend or even a famous faraway type. But some kind of role model is always useful to be guided by, when it comes to developing certain aspects of our self.
Else you might find yourself seriously stuck in life, and making the same mistakes over and over again...
Inspirational Quote #2:
"Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for."
-- Socrates
Sometimes it's okay to learn from so-called self-help 'gurus'. Some of these people have struggled a great deal in life so that they now come to an understanding of how much easier life is when you take X action and have Y attitude.
These learned men and women understand themselves really well, and (usually) have a good way of explaining their reality so that it becomes your reality.
Then their journey, which might have taken a lifetime, can help shorten your own journey, as long - of course - as you DO what these people suggest you do, trusting your judgemental as you do so...
Self-Improvement Quote #3:
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
-- Confucius
If you don't take actions, even the opposite actions to what some 'guru' suggests you take, then you're going nowhere in your journey of life - nowhere, slow. Development and growth can ONLY occur by your taking actions, preferably right actions.
So you put into practice what your mentor suggests; you do what the self-help guru urges you to do, also; and then, then you see how it works out in your life, and adjust accordingly.
As long as you take right actions, and reflect on how it actually works for you, then you'll grow as a human being... guaranteed!
And if you find that some of these so-called 'right actions' don't actually work then even better. Just as long as you know what DOES work for you, you can maybe become a self-help guru of your own and then come full circle and end up helping others shorten their life-journeys too.
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And you can find many other self improvement ideas, contributed by many, beginning at this page - http://www.selfhelpcollective.com/self-improvement-ideas.html
From Steve M Nash - Editor of SelfHelpCollective.com
One of Scarlett O'Hara's most memorable quotes is, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." Now, when you're feeling upset, agitated, flustered or frustrated, it might seem sensible to wait a day or two before dealing with your problems...but is it, really? Everyone is born wanting to avoid pain and suffering. When you get burned you pull your hand back, don't you? It's only human to want to avoid pain. And this is the appropriate way of dealing with this type of pain. The problem arises when we deal with pain and suffering in inappropriate ways. Here are four inappropriate ways we try to avoid issues. Take a look.
Escape
Emma feels estranged from her husband. Their relationship is not like it was before. They never talk anymore, not like they used to, but instead of broaching the subject and telling him how she feels, she turns on the TV in the den whenever he tries to talk about things. Instead of TV, we may eat, drink, shop, or gamble-all different ways we try to escape and avoid dealing with difficult issues.
Dump/Vent
Sarah deeply resents the fact that her mother in law treats her like an incompetent idiot and always butts in when she should just mind her own business. But instead of talking about it with her mother in law, she calls her best friend Tina and tells her, in very colorful language, exactly what she thinks of the woman. Sarah can go on for hours. After such a session, she feels relieved, but poor Tina feels awful. Sarah has managed to avoid the real issue one more time and the problem stays the same.
Stuff It
Every time Tom feels unhappy at work or gets the nagging suspicion that he should change jobs, he chooses to ignore reality-how he really feels-and goes about his business. After all, the economy's bad and now's not the time to think about changing jobs. The problem is he has felt this way for years. Unless Tom faces his unhappy situation, nothing will change. Denial and projection are two classic ways of "stuffing it" -avoiding reality and staying stuck.
Submit Helplessly
George is is feeling overwhelmed-hopeless. He can't control his eating habits and his weight gain is spiraling out of control. He has stopped seeing people socially because he's too embarrassed to be seen in public. He just stays in more and more, eating more and more. Being obese and out of control has become part of his identity. He's believes he can't change and that there's nothing he can do about it. Want to know how to deal with problems like these in more appropriate ways?
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In her book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be, Dr. Beth Cuj?? teaches you how. Here's your chance to download its first chapter for FREE. Go to Choicecube.com and get an idea of what the Choice-Cube Method can do for you. You can retrain yourself, change and grow, and engage life more fully.
Copyright Dr. Beth Blevins Cuj?? 2011
You don't need to be part of any CIA project or super secret government branch to tap into the secrets of mind control. Some of these secrets are already out there, although not a lot of people possess the patience to plow through them one by one.
With so many "secrets of mind control" all over the Internet, how do you know which one to pick? In this article, I'll share with you 3 of my top picks.
Secret # 1 Of Mind Control: Reframing
Reframing is one of the best techniques to persuade someone to do anything. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself these questions first:
Why should the person do whatever it is you're asking them to do? What are the consequences should they not follow your lead?
Never mind if the person already has an objection (ex: I don't want to exercise; it's simply too hot to do anything), you can always reframe it once you have readily thought of all the benefits.
Tell the person that you agree it's a little hot out, but that just means you can sweat more, which is ultimately what you want to happen when you exercise.
Secret # 2 Of Mind Control: Keeping Positive
It's important to stick to the positive ideas as much as possible. People do respond more to positive motivation than negative stimulation.
Consider the concept of reward and punishment. While both methods get people to work, it has been proven that people who are promised rewards work better than those who are threatened punishment should they fail to accomplish their task. That's because people associate rewards with good stuff (and punishment with negative things).
Secret # 3 Of Mind Control: Appealing To Their Desires.
Before you ask a person to do something, think very carefully about what their innermost desires are. Do they want to be famous? Do they want to earn a lot of money?
By finding out what their motivators are, you then tell them how doing what you want them to do will lead them to their goal or desire. It's important to find out what their goal is so you can relate your proposal to what they want to accomplish.
These secrets of mind control are indeed used in many different parts of the world. They may be used in government facilities or even in the boardroom of your very own office. By keeping up with these mind control techniques, you'll have the upper hand.
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Discover how to ethically use mind control techniques to change behaviors and influence anyone to your way of thinking. Get a FREE course that reveals 10 groundbreaking persuasion techniques and secrets at http://www.20daypersuasion.com/secrets.htm
Every child has been asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. And more often than not, they had responded with "doctor," or "lawyer," or "movie star." It would always be some stereotype of success. It would always be something that was prevalent in both school books and popular media. Did you describe your dream life the same way when you were young? Don't be ashamed if you have; it's not your fault this information has been drilled into you from the start.
However, this doesn't mean that you should conform to such ideals. So what if that's what your parents or teachers wanted of you? Is that really what you want for yourself? You have your own unique perspective on life and the world you live in. The best life you could possibly live, then, is something you conjured up in your own mind. What do other people have to do with it?
So, ask yourself: what really is your dream life anyway? What does it look like? Chances are, it incorporates the elements of life you personally enjoy the most. It is a life that you maintain entirely on your own terms, one that you have complete control over. It is the kind of existence where your success depends on doing the things you love, and nothing else.
Still stumped? Think long and hard. If you had the chance to do only one thing for the rest of your days, what would it be? Forget your current obligations. Don't take your job, finances, or family into consideration. Whatever that thing is, be it cooking haute cuisine or building houses by hand, that is your dream life. That is what you should be pursuing.
Do you really want to waste away your precious time on Earth with your crappy job? When you feel that you should be doing something other than what you're doing now, then why don't you do it? There is no reason for you to stunt your growth as a person. There is no reason for you to stick to lame excuses. You know they're lame to begin with!
A man who slaves away day and night for a job he hates but still takes home millions of dollars is not a success. A man who makes the same income with a career he loves is the true success. By pursuing your dream life, you can be the latter man.
What's stopping you, then? Now that you know what your true goals are, you should go out there and fulfill them. Now that you have a better understanding of what your priorities should be, then the next step should be to avoid procrastination. The best life is an active life. There is no fairy godmother out there who can help you kick things off. In fact, you are your very own fairy godmother, and you have all the power in the world to make your wish come true. No matter the situation, you can only earn true success if you were responsible for your actions from the very beginning.
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Manuel Hernandez believes that a great life coach can help you achieve your dream life. If a healthy and happy lifestyle can be yours, why not give getting a mentor a shot?